Why Do We Keep Replaying What Bothers Us? Understanding Negative Thinking, Stress & Our Need for Choice

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Why Do We Keep Replaying What Bothers Us?

Understanding Negative Thinking, Stress & Our Need for Choice.

Have you ever been having a really good day… You’ve started your day just the way you like. You're in a good mood. Maybe you're working on something you enjoy. You feel like you're finally getting into your rhythm.zv And then someone asks you to do something. Maybe it's something small. Maybe it's something you would normally be happy to do. But suddenly… You're irritated. Your energy drops. You feel tired. And you may even think, “Why am I reacting like this? I want to help. I love this person. Why does this bother me so much?”

I've been thinking about this because I don't think the issue is always the thing we're being asked to do. I think sometimes something deeper is happening inside of us. And it has to do with autonomy.

Autonomy is our sense that we have some choice in our lives—some sense of ownership over what we do, how we do it, and where we direct our time and energy. Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan have spent decades studying what helps us feel motivated and emotionally well. Their research points to several basic human needs: we need to feel capable, we need connection with others, and we need to feel that we have some say in our own lives. That last one is called autonomy.

Autonomy doesn't mean, “I get to do whatever I want.” It simply means: “I feel that I have some choice in what I am doing and how I respond to what life asks of me.” That distinction matters. Because think about a day when you get to choose. You may decide what time you get up. You decide what you're going to work on. You decide whether you're going to take a walk. You decide whether you're going to paint, read, clean, meet a friend, or simply sit outside. Even if you have responsibilities, there is something different about a day when you feel like you are the one directing it. And I think that's one reason we love vacations so much.

Yes, we love getting away from our responsibilities. But we also love the freedom of choosing. We choose where we're going. What we're going to eat. When we're going to get up. Whether we're going to explore or stay in the room. We experience ourselves as the author of the day. Then we come home. And suddenly there are schedules. Appointments. Things we have to do. People who need us. And sometimes what feels exhausting isn't simply the amount of work. It's the feeling that our choices have narrowed.

Now, here's where this becomes really interesting. Let's say I'm having a wonderful creative morning. I've planned to paint. I'm relaxed. I'm enjoying myself. And then someone says, “Could you do this for me?” The request may be perfectly reasonable. The person may genuinely need my help. And I may genuinely want to help. But my brain had already made a little plan. This is what I'm doing today. And suddenly that plan has been interrupted. There's a mental adjustment that has to happen. And underneath that adjustment may be a thought like: “Wait. I don't get to choose anymore.” That's where irritation can enter.

But there's an even deeper layer. I think there may actually be three things happening inside us when our day is unexpectedly interrupted. First, our expectation was interrupted. Our brain had already made a little map for the day. This is what I'm doing. This is where my time is going. This is what I was looking forward to. And when something unexpected comes along, we have to mentally change course.

Second, our sense of choice may be interrupted. The thought may be: “Now I have to do something I didn't choose to do.” And even if the request is perfectly reasonable, that can feel like a little loss of freedom.

And third, our energy has to be recalculated. Maybe I had planned to use my energy painting, or working, or resting. Now that energy has to go somewhere else. And if what I'm being asked to do is physically or emotionally demanding, I may feel tired before I've even started. So maybe what I'm experiencing isn't simply: “I don't want to do this.” Maybe there's a deeper message underneath it: “I had a plan. I had my energy going somewhere. And now I have to change direction.” And that realization helps me understand something about myself. I don't necessarily resent the person asking. I may simply be reacting to the sudden loss of choice, expectation, and energy. And that matters because once I understand what's happening inside me, I have a better chance of responding instead of simply reacting.

Listen to this podcast as I share my own journey and what I have learned along the way.