Episode 27 - What Is Slowly Killing Your Relationships

I was listening to a woman complain about her mother-in-law and how she was not being a good grandmother.

Instinctively the other woman who was also listening, said something that really caught my attention.

She said,
“You must have quite the manual on how to be a good grandmother.”

She then continued to listen a bit longer, in which she gently added,
“It sounds to me like you both don’t have the same grandmother manual.”

I thought that was such a brilliant statement.

And that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

When I say the word manual, what comes to your mind?

A manual is a guide… a set of instructions… something that tells you how something should be done.

And whether we realize it or not—
we all carry these kinds of manuals in our minds.

Unwritten expectations for how people should show up.

How a friend should act.
How a husband should respond.
How a daughter, a mother, a grandparent should behave.

These manuals aren’t written down…
but they are very real.

Now, you might think having these manuals is a bad thing.

But that’s not necessarily true.

They’ve been shaped by our past experiences…
and often come from a place of love.

They help guide how we show up.
They help us be thoughtful, caring, and responsible.

Our manuals are not the problem.

The problem begins when we expect others to follow our manual…

Without ever telling them.
Without ever asking what their manual says.

We start grading people on rules they never agreed to.

And in doing that… we take away their agency—
their ability to choose how they want to show up in that role.

And here’s something important to notice:

The emotional impact of this doesn’t really affect them…
it affects us.

We become frustrated.
Disappointment begins to grow.

Just like that mother who felt let down by her mother-in-law.

And none of us like to sit in those feelings for very long.

So what do we do?

We begin to withdraw.

Quietly… silently…
we start putting up walls.

We tell ourselves we don’t want to feel this way anymore…
and we don’t want to deal with it.

And over time,
we don’t just feel hurt…

we start creating distance.

But here’s the deeper truth, my friend:

They aren’t doing it wrong…
they’re just doing it differently.

Because every person has their own manual—
shaped by their story,
their capacity,
and what that role means to them.

Their manual is as unique as their hairstyle…
or the way they choose to dress.

And I’ll be honest with you—

I had my own manual for my husband
for the first fifteen years of our marriage.

And on the days he didn’t follow it…
all heck would break loose.

It wasn’t that I wanted everything my way…

I just didn’t understand
that I had a manual—
and that his manual was different than mine.

At times, it felt like we were in two different boats…
maybe going in the same direction down the river…
but completely disconnected.

And I remember him saying once,
“You’re never happy unless I’m doing things exactly the way you like.
I can never seem to please you.”

That moment stayed with me.

Because something in me knew—
something needed to change.

And that’s really where my journey began.

I started learning more about the mind…
how thoughts are formed…
how our perceptions shape our emotions and actions.

I worked with many individuals over time…
but truly, my greatest success story was myself.

I began to let go of my manual of the “perfect husband.”

I allowed him the space… the grace… to grow and expand in his own way.

And when there were things I didn’t like—
and talking wasn’t getting us anywhere—

I would take it to God in prayer.

And I can honestly tell you…
either he changed… or I did.

But it didn’t matter which one.

What mattered was that we found ourselves in the same boat again…
heading in the same direction.

So today, I want to invite you into something gentle.

Notice your manual.

Get curious… instead of critical.

Allow space for difference.

What if instead of asking,
“Why aren’t they doing this right?”—
and comparing it to how you would do it—

you asked,
“What does this role mean to them?”

And then gave them the freedom…
the agency…
to live that out.

Because when we release others from our manual…
something softens in us too.

There’s more room to breathe.
More space for peace.

And even creativity begins to return.

I’ve found that when I step away—just for a few moments—
and immerse myself in something simple and creative…

everything begins to shift.

Because creating with your hands
gives your mind a moment to rest.

It pauses the judgment.

And it opens the door to new thoughts.

You begin to ask different questions—
“What might their perspective be?”
“How do they see this?”

And in that space…

it becomes so much easier
to hear God’s voice.

So I’ll leave you with this:

Where in your life
might you be holding a manual a little too tightly?

Until next time…

When you create art,
you create calm.